Liveliest August in years.

 Hello...

Yesterday at around 2 PM, I phoned home. Nothing special just wanted to discuss about some anomalies I saw in our family business. Then while saying bye i said to mum I'll go to lib now. It was around 2:30 PM, so out of habit? I opened my broker app for routine scanning I do at 3 PM. 
Didn't find any opportunities. Fine, I thought... ok let's lay down for some minutes, I don't know but usually i don't lay down mid-day. 
Yeah I dozed off, 3 PM alarm rang (market checking alarm, but i already did yk), i switched it off, and back to sleep.   

Finally 5 PM alarm rang, I woke up, for a second I was like wow, i really wasted the whole day huh?
Picked phone saw a notification, timestamped at 3:05 PM, it was from her, she wanted to meet me. 

Wow suddenly I was not feeling down, but happy af. Yeah. So normally i texted "yeah sure, when?"
She almost immediately texted back, "Now? Sports complex?".
Hmm... usually she doesn't text back this fast, well wtv, Bro i just woke up wait a sec i need to comb, groom myself up etc, yk? So naturally I asked for like 10 mins. 
Later she got some unexpected work and we defaulted the meet timing to our default time. 

So i got back on laptop ki ok i have got some time, let's work on my CV till then? yeah sounds good. 
Around 7:15 PM i got her text, "Near banyan tree". Yeah this our second usual spot to meet. 
Got up, laptop turned off, exiting room. Here we go my favorite time has finally arrived which I wait for every day. 

Btw from past one week I have this weird pain in left ankle of mine, I was trying to reach doctor but one or another chore used to come in between, or some holiday etc. And also today I dropped off my roommate, He left for his hometown, due to his competitive exam.

Anyways, sprayed anti-pain spray, and left for banyan tree. 
There she was, back facing towards me, my stride was slow cause yk, sprained ankle? or wtv has happened to my ankle. So approaching her was kind of slow motion feeling, ahh okay enough dramatics haha.

I tapped on her shoulder, saying Hi. Her face was... tensed? Like i don't recognize that expression.
I said yk, "aur batao", Yeah in retrospect this feels so calm, calm before the storm I think, in retrospect.

I was smiling, well it was natural, almost like my second nature, near her.
Then she said, "I think, you deserve the answer now" i was like "huh?".
We had already talked like some days ago, and she was not sure. So naturally i said ki yk, Suddenly? We talked about it some days ago only, yk i was trying to say ki don't feel pressurized... yk. 

she said ki no, it's been a month and I think ik now. 
So i was like okay, go ahead.

She started with you know ki how I was a good person, how she felt safe with me, how it was fun, etc.

I don't really remember her lines exactly now, even tho it was just yesterday? I usually remember her lines. 
She added ki she doesn't think she likes me "romantically".
And she was looking at my face, I was silent. 

(From here on, I don't know if my memory served the chronology fairly so read it accordingly ig?)

She told me ki the dinner we went yesterday? In crux, she didn't felt the spark. Place was California Burrito, I have been there in the past, for a friend's birthday party, and I'll be honest, it was not fun.
I thought maybe, i didn't like the food? Maybe Mexican ain't my thing.
Fair enough ig? Maybe i was trying to deflect the fact ki I didn't enjoy that party. 
Anyways, when i went to same place, had nearly the same food... It was fun? I was enjoying it? I mean we were having convos too. I had went to dinner with her once in past, and this one? It felt different. Like I didn't wanted it to end yk.

Back to her words, well as much as I remember, she told me ki she gave her 100%, her best shot, but at that dinner, she got damn sure ki she didn't like me. 
I don't know man, but the difference in our experience for same place at same time? It was astronomical. I was enjoying it, loving it, I'll probably run out of words but won't be able to describe.
And she? She was trying? I don't know man... I was so immersed in ourselves ki I was not able to see ki how much efforts she was putting? Like for me it all felt natural, but in reality it was not.
And in retrospect it feels... I don't know how to say it. Maybe I felt it was kind of transactional? I was trying to yk stay calm cause I know her, her personality, and i knew ki she was just trying to explain ki how she was trying to give this an honest chance. 

I said to her ki "Damn, it was so emotionally exhausting?". I don't know why? But that is what came from my mind.

And i don't know how she took it, cause she started telling me ki no, it's like how you yk one tries to give his/her best, try to be present fully, she even said a phrase ki "fake it till you make it". I don't know what kind of face I made, but it immediately made her say ki no that sounded wrong what i meant was... etc, etc, etc. Maybe she was making sense, maybe she wasn't, I don't trust my state of mind at that time (Even now) but i felt ki what even is she trying to say? I am not getting it. 
But I didn't interrupt her, cause i really was not in the state? I don't know but i just said "Yeah".

Then maybe this happened earlier in conversation, before the above topic, she explained what her "model" of love was. She proceeded to explain ki how you know one feels anxious, how there is this "hunger", how you just crave that person? 
There is holding hands, like she wanted to do a lot of things, which she didn't tell, and I didn't ask what those things were. She continued, ki how it is emotionally different, physically different, etc etc. 

I was understanding it, and i think she was very fair? 

Then she asked me did you even feel something like that? Did you ever felt like that?

I won't lie, that question? Stung, pretty hard, it was feeling like whatever i was feeling... was I kind of invisible, It kind of made me feel, how jarring the difference was in what we both experienced in the past one month.
So i answered her question ki maybe I am not good at expressing. She added ki not expressing is something that can be worked on but di you feel something? 

I don't know if she was asking about immediate situation or the past one month. But I answered assuming the later.
I told her ki Yeah i did. I proceeded to explain ki how the past one month, was the liveliest month for me. How my schedule used to keep readjusting for her, how I always had time for her, How she become my priority, how before small meets or outings i used to feel nervous (in a positive way), how i used to try to calm down. Like yk ki this matters to me, i care about this. 
How i used to anticipate the next meet even before the current one ended, how i used to hate her curfew timings, how i used to wish ki pause the time. 
How I wanted to tell about significant things happening in my life, etc etc.

This part I didn't tell, cause... I don't know why.
Ki how i wanted to hold her hands while crossing roads, while walking in campus, but I didn't knew ki where her physical boundaries were? Ki what was fine what was not. Yk it was only one month for me. But for her it was one month. When she told me ki how we never held hands? I was devastated ki maybe i was restrained? Maybe i wasn't. 
I was feeling this regret in between conversation, I don't know why. I didn't wanted to feel that, cause I knew I never regretted it, it was so much fun so much exciting, it was something i had never experienced before.

She asked me ki do I want to ask something? Cause later she might not want to talk about this. 
I don't know I couldn't think of asking her anything, and said to her ki I don't think i wanted to ask. 

You know it is very tempting right now to feel and believe ki it was all a facade, nothing was real, but i know it wasn't, wtv time we spent together, wtv gifts she gave me, I gave her, all the convos, all the emotions, all of it was real. 

And the meet ended. I came back to my room. I don't know if i am finding it funny or sad ki today only my roommate left, tomorrow college is off for our section, am away from family obviously, like universe really said "oh this boy just got hit by something real? let's give him the ambience".
When I came back to my room, I was actually kinda surprised on myself? Why was I not crying? Did i even feel anything? What is happening with me? 
I sat back on my laptop, it was 9 PM opened my CV and started working on it, I was thinking, ki what is this feeling? Am i feeling sad? Why do i feel like I lost something today but maybe my emotions haven't catched up to it. 

I was thinking ki will we never meet again? Never talk again? (oh wow rn am getting teary while writing this in our college library?)
I didn't ask her at that time ki will we be friends? What next? Is this the end? I am confused? But what am I even confused about?

I wanted to say ki can we try once again so badly, but I knew I shouldn't.
Man... I really liked her. I wish this is just a bad dream and my 5 PM alarm will ring soon. Right?